Well, I took a look at my blog the other day and realized I haven't posted anything since Memorial Day/Alex's Birthday. Those two months were quiet here in my virtual corner, but quiet is the last word I would use to describe our lives during that time! To be quite frank, the last two months have been filled with some major highs and lows. We are left with more questions about God's will for our family's future than before, with seemingly no answers on the horizon (at least none we can see with our limited vision).
Now, I am about to get a little personal here. And the experiences I am sharing don't have a nice, conveniently wrapped blog post ending, epiphany moment, yet. So if you like concise, easy platitudes, you might want to search elsewhere. Because, honestly, right now we are 'slap dab' (sorry, my country roots are showing) in the middle of trudging through the muck and mire of this messy time in our lives. And I don't really know how things are going to end or what we are going to learn. But I do know we are clinging to the hope we have in the God who created us and loves us, even when our weak hearts and minds are numbed by the seemingly endless unanswered questions in our lives. When talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago, I summed it up by saying, "Every time we think we see the door to walk through, and began toward it, the door slams in our faces. We are left confused and questioning every decision in every area of our lives. I know God is speaking, even if to tell us 'no' or 'wait'. But right now, because of my sin and my sadness and my frustration, I cannot hear Him." Notice that I am fully aware that it is my selfish heart, my impatient nature,and my sinful attitudes of entitlement that have left me in my current state.
I own this. (My own doubt and struggle, that is).
Even as I find myself sorrowful over my own sin and doubtful of choices which have previously been so certain for me, I cling to the knowledge that I am a daughter of the King of Kings, and he has graciously made me a joint heir with Christ because He loves me. I am bought with a price. He redeemed me, rescued me, adopted me and will never leave me. So, even as I struggle, I hold onto this.
He owns me.
I pray some really simple prayers lately when it comes to knowing God's will for my life and the life of our family. God, help me to know how to pray. Help us love you more. Help us to accept your will with joy and peace. Give us wisdom. May we be thankful, not just for things or answers, but for You. Help me to pray for more of you, not more of what I think I need.
“I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24
Yet, even as we struggle, we are reminded to pray, love, and give of ourselves as we see the pain of others. There is so much suffering in this world, and many people are hurting beyond what we can comprehend. The darkness of the shootings in Colorado, the unrest and persecution of the church in Egypt, the killing of South Sudanese Christians by their former government in North Sudan, more than 147 million orphans who go to sleep with questions and loneliness every night, the 30 million adults and children who are enslaved today as we read this, the 1.4 million children who die each year due to lack of clean water and basic sanitation. These statistics can seem impossible and overwhelming. Yet, in Christ, there is hope. I know and believe this to my very core. It is not just a nice sounding phrase. He is the one lasting hope we have in this life. And no matter where we are or the circumstances of our lives, we can share His hope in small and big ways as we seek to find one someone across the street or across the world for whom we can make a difference. Even in your most difficult struggles, God can bring you great joy when you seek to show His love and give to others. Often, you will find you learn and receive more than you could ever begin to give. I know we have. So, we can be thankful for opened eyes and hearts, even as we struggle through our own circumstances.
So we wait. We wonder. We hope. We listen. But we never stop loving and learning.
To be continued....
- I love Jesus Christ, am a seeker of beauty, and am a grateful child of God who would be lost and hopeless were it not for His grace. I am learning to walk in love, see interruptions as divine appointments, and value people and relationships above agendas and results. I pray my life is grace-filled, and brings joy and encouragement to everyone I know and meet. We are a family of 6, built by God through love, birth, and adoption, living in the beauty and the struggle that accompanies parenting kids from hard places. Got questions? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
|This digital scrapbook made with Smilebox|