This is the question I am wrestling with as I sing little one to sleep, tuck in big ones at night, pray, sing at the sink while washing dishes, do laundry, read books, try to encourage my husband, kiss injuries, laugh out loud over silly jokes, plan meals and pour over home school curriculum and summer reading choices for my children. "What am I doing?" I ask myself.
I read here about thanksgiving, being the seekers of beauty and grace because all things are aflame with God. I read in this book how we must give up our lives and surrender them fully for the glory of God and the gospel. I read here about a young woman and her surrender of her former life to embrace starving and diseased children and mothers as she must watch some slip from her grasp into the arms of Jesus while still working tirelessly and rejoicing in those who are healed here on earth. It's all truth. Real faith being lived out, not just spoken. I am encouraged, I am challenged, I am grateful for the wisdom and the openness, but how does all of this fit into the moments of my day to day? "What do you want me to do?" I ask God.
I read with my son the 6th chapter of Matthew and we read it over again. He decides he wants to memorize verse 33. Seek you first. I find myself going back here:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. " Matthew 6:25-33
So what does it look like to seek HIM, to seek His kingdom and righteousness above all other things? I don't know what it means in my life yet, except that I know it must began in loving Him above all things and loving people because His love lives in me. He is the beginning and the end. I have to know Him and love him to love like Him and make Him known. I must lay down my kingdom, and I am trying to know what that means each day as I walk with Him. As He speaks, I will listen. And maybe I will come closer to seeing, to knowing, to telling, and to bending to Him and others. I do not have as many answers now as I thought I once did, but I have the love of the One who is the Word, the Answer. So I will keep seeking His kingdom, and I know that He will keep His promises.
Kingdom of Me
I drew a line
Said this is where I'm safe and I feel fine
I drew a line
Satisfied. I lived inside that box for quite awhile
Oh I think there's a problem I haven't thought of
Who I am; Who I am
Up in my castle I sit on my throne while the streets hold disaster but no nothing more
Oooo. I'm a fool; I'm a coward
I sail my ship out to sea; Look behind, see the kingdom of me.
Away I ran. This moment placed in time for me to stand.
Away I ran.
Scared to see this monster that has taken over me.
Too scared to see.
Up in my castle I count all my gold while my kingdom is drowning in tears from the poor.
Oooo I'm a I'm a fool I'm cold heart when I look out my crown
I see blood I see fear
I see down, down, down
When will I learn
That it doesn't get much better till you turn
You gotta turn yourself around
Up in my castle I tear down my throne
Cast my crown to the ocean and bury my gold
Oooo. I have finally found that when I look past my pride I see love come to life
For this kingdom to be is much more than the kingdom of me
Loving and Learning,
- I love Jesus Christ, am a seeker of beauty, and am a grateful child of God who would be lost and hopeless were it not for His grace. I am learning to walk in love, see interruptions as divine appointments, and value people and relationships above agendas and results. I pray my life is grace-filled, and brings joy and encouragement to everyone I know and meet. We are a family of 6, built by God through love, birth, and adoption, living in the beauty and the struggle that accompanies parenting kids from hard places. Got questions? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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